Shameful
by silvestras
Summary: How shameful, the way I just can't let go. YuukoxClow, T for alcohol and slight language.


**This is a YuukoxClow fic, and I didn't even bother to make it subtle. :D Sorry, but I really felt like writing some outright lovin' (Although it just _has_ to be accompanied by the usual angst.)**

**R.I.P. Ichihara Yuuko and Clow Reed.**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Tsubasa RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE, XxxHOLiC, or Cardcaptor Sakura. They belong to CLAMP, their creators.

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"Pssh," Yuuko said. She held an empty glass in her hand, a bottle of sake in the other, and the mist that was floating around in her head seemed to leak into the room as she lowered the bottle, took her pipe, and smoked.

"Hitsuzen," she slurred, "Funny little thing you are, aren't you?" She then moved her fingers, curling them up and loosening them as if she was stroking someone's invisible chin. "You know, Clow told me once that being such a believer in what I believe in would lead to things like this."

She hiccuped and reached down to the floor, littered with paperwork from God-knows-where, and when her hand came back up, she was holding a photograph between two fingers.

Flipping it over so she could see it, she saw the pale face of a man, his hair in a ponytail, glasses over (squinty, at least in Yuuko's opinion) blue eyes. He was smiling an odd little half-smile, a wise expression that showed that he knew all the secrets of the world. His robe was in an elegant color very much like a mixture of the night sky and the ocean, the color of his eyes, if they were seen in the right light. Unfortunately, only Yuuko has ever seen 'the right light', and the inferior little camera had no chance.

She gazed at him for a few seconds, and she could almost hear his laughter and his words, echoing through the walls of this shop. That was strange, too. Clow Reed has only been to this shop twice.

After his wish that led to Yuuko's living today, she tried to cut all her connections to him, but when it proved impossible, she settled with treating him like a costumer instead. No longer would she give him the leftover sake from yesterday to drink; only the finest wine she received as a price from another world would do. The berating nicknames (bastard, annoying nag, persistent disturbance, son of a bitch, etc.) disappeared from her speech and she called him Reed-san instead.

To an ordinary man this would seem like Clow Reed was finally being treated with the respect he deserved, being the greatest wizard in the world and all, but to the two involved, they knew that this was Yuuko's way of saying, "I no longer respect you as I did, and you are no longer a friend of mine who deserves it."

It hurt. She could tell that it hurt him a lot. Clow Reed was excellent at hiding his facial expressions, but she could tell. No one could hide anything from the Dimensional Witch. She didn't know if it hurt her, because at that time she really did hate him. It was as if their long bond, their friendship, their relationship has never existed.

Yuuko loosened her fingers and blew at the photograph. It fell, twirled a few times in the air (five exactly) before fluttering to the ground. She reached down again, and then pulled out a letter from Clow Reed himself.

_Dear Yuuko-san_, it read. Yuuko-san. Reading the honorific gave her a slight sting of guilt and pain. He used to call her Yuuko, in a most amazing tone of voice reserved for saying her name. He once called her by her real name, but immediately remembering the dangers, he called her Yuuko once again.

Her eyes darted to the bottom of the letter. _Best regards_… He used to sign it _May hitsuzen stay with you_, and that was reserved for letters he sent to Yuuko only. Under those two words was Clow Reed's signature, which she traced with her finger, lips slightly parted as if she wished to say something but just _couldn't._

It was odd, how she was so drunk just a few moments ago and almost completely sober now. Perhaps it was the presence of the little mementos she had about the time before the shop (yes, there _was_ a time before the shop), or merely about the shop when Clow Reed was still… _here_.

As she realized that she was reminiscing about the long-gone past yet _again_, Yuuko poured herself another cup of sake, determined to get completely lost in her alcohol.

"Liar," she muttered, not sure who she was addressing it to. Was it to herself, forfeeling glad that she was alive even though she shouldn't be? Or was it to Clow Reed, for keeping her from going, and then leaving her like that? But it looked nice, didn't it, floating around in the open air, like smoke?

She smiled as she raised her pipe to her lips. The next second, she had blown a smoke butterfly, fluttering around the rooms and landing on a small flask.

The flask was empty at a glance, but it really wasn't. Before he had done _this_ to her, before she even came close to death, there was a time when they were more than friends. Inside the flask was his breath, mingled with hers. She couldn't bring herself to throw it away, not even after his betrayal to the thing she believed in most. Fate's rule, that one must die when her time comes to die, and she shall never wake again.

And then it hit her. She still felt… something for him. It was duller and slightly stale, brittle and cracked from his betrayal and faded by time, but still, she felt it. It's too bad she'll never get a second chance.

"I fell for you once…" Yuuko smiled as she said it. "Shame on you."

She then took another swig of sake and then some, her eyes and mind quickly becoming foggier and foggier as her drunkenness finally set in after seemingly ages of thinking about the past.

"I fall for you the second time," she sighed. "Shame on me."

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**Well, there you go. Hope you liked it!**

**Thanks for reading!  
~Em  
**


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